Bad word and more about Ann, Still.

Yep, it was the word "disgusting" which Disgusted the Blogger machinery. I took that out of the "labels" and was informed that the post had successfully published.

It's strange, a person could say Much more obscene things in a label without using "banned words" and I'll bet the censor machine would let it pass. Sorry dude or dudess, plastic tasting coffee IS Disgusting!

I think of Ann daily. Today I was sad that although we had a lot in common as people, we wanted such Different things from life.

Ann wanted to get married, have kids, and live in the country. She believed, correctly, I think, that if she had been physically able to have children neither her first nor her second husband would have left. She didn't know she was too disabled, even years ago, to have children and went through nine miscarriages, trying.

I, on the other hand Never wanted to be married. I have a Horror of being trapped in a destructive, committed relationship. I never wanted to have children. I was afraid I might hurt them like I was hurt. I love other people's kids, but haven't developed the patience to Live with kids on a permanent basis. Maybe the only way you Do develop that level of patience is by Having kids. But I was not willing to risk it.

I wanted a deep level of companionship and to feel cared about. Ann gave me this and I tried, not always successfully, to return it to her.

Ann Truly Deeply wanted to own a house. I didn't care if I rented for life, or lived in my mobile home, so long as I had a nice place to live.

Spiritually, our goals were the same, and we learned to talk out and do our best at resolving conflicts. But I sometimes feel So Sad when something nice comes into my life which Ann would have enjoyed.

And I logically know that guilt is a normal part of grieving, especially when someone dies unexpectedly, with no chance to say good-bye or talk out any remaining conflicts, but it's hard to keep telling myself to Let It Go, It's Over and Ann is happy and free now to pursue any path she wishes.

I found a friend to share the soup with, yeah! Maybe I Won't have to eat it for what Feels like Forever.

When a loved one dies during a difficult time with you

Real life together is Not usually glamerous, always fun, or warm and fuzzy. Ann and I had a basic difference about something which I did not know how to deal with, at the time of her death. We weren't fighting or screaming, it was a situation where each of us wanted our life to go in a different direction from the other, (or that's the way it felt) and we didn't know what to do, yet. We had hit these Seeming walls before and always managed to talk our way through, negotiating a path through or beyond them. I never had the chance to know if this one could be worked through or not because Ann died.

I have felt terrible guilt for being at odds with Ann at the time of her death. What do you do when you and the person you love the most are in the midst of a difficult situation emotionally and they die?

I was taught to feel guilty from a very young age. I was the cause of all that went wrong in my parent's lives, when I was around. When I wasn't it was another cibling's fault. So I have felt very bad for months now.

It seemed to hit a really bad point yesterday, I was exhausted physically and mentally. I called a friend who reminded me that each person has the right to be him or her self, that when someone says something which feels hurtful they are usually talking about their Own feelings or expectations of you, what is in Their head, Not all of who you are. That sounds very simple, but it doesn't feel simple.

He recommended I take the day off, not unpacking any more and just rest or "veg". I ordered in junk food for two meals, and watched episodes of my favorite Star Trek spin off, Deep Space Nine. I slept well and began to feel better.

I have written before about how this feels so similar to earlier months this year. For the last two days I've been swearing a lot and short tempered, like in late February and early March. Is it because there was too much to do to get it out of my system? Part of it is just physical and mental Tiredness. It isn't 10:00 P.M. yet and I'm Toast!

But today went smoothly and for that I am Grateful!

In thinking about others, there must be a Lot of people who loose loved ones at times of stress, disagreement, argument, or disappointment. Guilt Doesn't help! How we talk to ourselves inside our own heads is very important. I have begun telling myself I did nothing wrong, in that Ann and I were Both frustrated with one another in One area of our lives, when she died. This is called Being Human. It is sad, but Not Wrong.