Life and The Venting Tape

Life and Venting Tape

Things which don't work well, or don't work at All in a body can still hurt. My ear is trying it's best to repell an infection. I'm trying to help because it hurts a Lot and because each time in the past when I've gotten a serious one, I have lost more hearing.

It has rained all day and may rain for several days to come. The land Needs the water. Not as bad as Texas, but still, we are below normal a couple of inches for the year. Horrid smelly toad stools will probably be growing in the yard again, (hold your nose if you kick one Over!) Cold and damp today, the place smells like a wet dog, and so does the dog, for some reason.

But he is a healthy dog and it's a good day for staying in, if you have that luxury, drinking hot herbal tea and eating a bit of cayenne pepper or something else which opens sinuses and ears.

About the Venting Tape I made.

I learned not to cry pretty early and cannot cry easily now, but I can sing! Because I am driven by a need to communicate, and Hopefully be understood, I'd like to share some of the words from songs on my Venting Tape with you, they Aren't all depressing.

Any mistakes in words are my own, as, even with hearing aids, I cannot catch all words correctly.

From "Let Life Flow" album by Kenny Neal with Thanks.

(to a happy beat)"Every time I turn around, The blues is right there. I take a deep breath, the blues is in the air.

(chorus) I say the blues Please leave me alone! I think you oughta go back, to your troublin' home."

From the same album, but written by Ray "Blue" Bland,

You gonna cry, Oh you gonna cry, and when the tears stop fallin' They stop fallin, all down your face, They still fall, down in your heart,
You never know, how long the wound take to heal, Might take months, Could take years,
But that's the way love works, You gotta hurt, Before you heal."

Kenny Neal's album "Let Life Flow" began as he was in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy and couldn't get out of bet. He just started writing.

Let Life Flow

"And just when you think, you got it all figured out, Here comes somethin' you'd never dream about, Life is so unpredictable, That's the way it is."

During year Mr. Neal lost his father, his drummer with whom he was close friends, and his sister was abducted and murdered. That was the year he also underwent chemotherapy.

"You Gotta Hurt Before You Heal" (a cover) is performed to a gospel sound and was the first song I played for Ann's Memorial Get Together at our former rent house. It was attended by about 25 people. I had no money to rent a place.

Ruthie Foster from the album, "The Truth According to Ruthie Foster"

"I don't know nothin' 'cept change will come.. Year after year what we do is undone, Time gets movin' from a crawl to a run, And wonderin' if we're ever gonna get home! Feel like your walkin' down that highway, And all the signs got blown away, Sometimes you wonder if you're walkin in the wrong direction."

(chorus which seems to me like an important life choice)
If you break down, I drive out and find you. If you forget my love, I try to remind you. Oh and stay by you, when it don't come easy, when it don't come easy."


Never would o' got here, Listenin' to doubt, Conquered my fears and I found my way out, of Depression"

From same album to a happy beat, this is part of the song I chose for the last song of Ann's Memorial Get Together.
"Well I woke up early this mornin', I was feelin' mighty bad. And I searched my heart and I found the reason why, Stead of thinkin' of where I am, I was thinkin' 'bout where I been, and forgot to give Thanks for the joy of livin' my life with you!"

I think of the things Ann has taught me and given me and try to thank her each time I hear that song.

Tab Benoit, from his album "Power of the Ponchartrain"

"There's a (word I can't hear) moon watchin' tonight, There's a garden that's left to grow wild, There's a sound with no name, When a far away train cries like an unloved child."

(Chorus) Why oh why, I wanna know, She went and left me, with nowhere ta go. Why oh why, can you tell me my friend? It's midnight and lonesome again.

Is the moon still lonely I wonder sometimes. Is that why the train had to cry? I ask out loud, but there's no answer now. I'm just talkin' to the sky."

"Now the morning is time to get ready, In the evenin' you take off your shoes, When you work out all day, The sun has gone away, And midnight lays claim to the blues."

Tab Benoit is the founder of
WWWvoiceofthewetlands.org

From the same album to a happy country/Cajun beat,
"Somethin's in the water and it's callin' my name. If I work another hour I'ma go insane …"

(chorus)
Hey, they gonna see me comin' before the sun dries the mornin' dew. Hey, you know that I can't wait, to go sac au-lait fishin' down on Whiskey Bayou."

Mr. Benoit pronounces the name of that particular fish like it's spelled, crapy. He explained that no one really wanted to fish for crapy, so it is called sac au-lait (sack of milk) in French. In S. Mo. We get around this problem by Mispronouncing the name of that fish as though it were spelled Cropy.. Until I heard Mr. Benoit's explanation I thought it Was spelled Cropy or Croppy.

Last but not least, Reba Russell Band. From there album "Bleeding Heart"

Played and sung with humor as well as anger.

"I been sittin' here thinkin' about my past, All the places I been and people I've seen, And as I look back over my life, There it is, that ol' reason why I'm so Mean!
Some people need to be remembered, Some people need to be remembered, Some people need to be remembered, And Some People need to be Forgot!"

The above is the chorus to this song. Ann and I used to sing it when we decided to stop fighting the insurance company which refused to fix the house I bought in May, which was hit by a tornado, rocked on it's foundation, and foundation cracks appeared, letting in flood water. We left and let the bank have it. Mold was making it difficult to breathe and so was the bleach we tried to clean away the mold with. Some Things need to be let go of.

"Freedom Day" by Kelly Hunt, on her album "Mercy" was another song which always mace me think of Ann, so I played it for a couple belonging to our Buddhist group, who stayed until the last of the Gathering's mess was cleaned up.

I hope you have gotten something good from this little journey with me into Blues Land. I get tired of Any kind of music which just says either "I got to screw you right now" or "You are scum because you left me."

But good words and tunes are healers and I thank all of the musicians listed above for their writing and I thank their bands for playing songs which have helped me get through this year so far!

A Venting Tape and Feelings

Third Blog I Can't Publish, a Venting Tape

Sept. 5th, night.
I decided a few nights ago to make myself a Venting tape of some of my favorite blues tunes, so that when I felt sad or upset about the past, (Ann's death) I could listen to others who have felt similar things. I will have to find out from experience whether it's a good or a bad idea, but the tape is made.

One thing I already know is that this is a balancing act. Not having the Feeling that I'm communicating with Somebody, (even if it Isn't usually true) through a blog pushed me to go ahead and make the tape. But I've seen people who sit in front of the TV all day and get depressed, Of Course they're Depressed! Given the garbage available for watching. And I've met people too, who listen to only One type of song, (sad, angry, blaming Others, etc.) who feel the same ways as the songs they listen to, All of the time. Then there's "talk radio" the purpose of which is a competition for ratings and sponsors, by either making listeners enraged or selling fear, doom, and gloom. Talk radio junkies are often in the states of mind their radio hosts try to create.

I don't want to put my mind into a permanent state of depression, so I will have to use the tape sparingly. Also, some of the songs, a few, are happy ones which seem to answer the sadness or grief in the others. Feelings are a river or ocean, which is constantly moving. I have happy and thankful moments most days. And I have sadness, fear, frustration, and anger, too. Sometimes I run away from unpleasant feelings by distracting myself with food, work, etc. But sometimes I'm able just to keep breathing deeply and continue what I'm doing, or take a Calming break, just trying to relax and let the feelings roll over me, like waves. They pass and if they don't pass for a long time, I may call someone or think of something to blog, write about.

Since I'm storing these posts and do not know if they'll ever get sent anywhere, I will see how the tape works or doesn't work.
This weekend, I've realized I have an underlying depression and anger (flip sides of one another) which are present even when things are fine. Fear is nearly always there too. I know myself well enough to be aware that the way I was raised have set some of these tendencies in my personality. Being totally blind and having a significant hearing loss is conducive to fear. And Ann's death and my having to move contribute a lot, too.

A counselor would only point out what I already know, where my feelings come from. No point wasting time and money on that. But I'm not sure how to Change these feelings!

A good counselor would probably say they are normal, given my circumstances. Ok, so what? If I want to try and feel Differently, what do I change, besides acknowledging how I feel and the fact that feelings and logic often tell me two differing things about a situation.

People say I've had seven months to mourn Ann's death. Not quite true. During the first six weeks after her death I was numbed out with shock and busy both communicating with everyone she interacted with, (friends, physicians, her family, etc.) and with her sister's excellent help, planning a Memorial Get-Together at the house.

Then I had to go through all of Ann's and my papers, many of which hadn't been touched since my trailer became uninhabitable in Jan. 2007, and a few which hadn't been touched since 1993, when Ann moved to Mo., after her health crashed so that she couldn't finish her college work.

There were boxes stacked up taller than me to sort into piles for shredding, recycle, and a few nonpaper items to pitch.

Then a dear friend came over and we went through Ann's visual art work for many hours, so I could know what was unfinished and should be disposed of, what her family might like, and what might be good enough to show. This was a very painful experience for our friend, who painted with Ann once a week, when each of them could make it.

Then I had to donate all of Ann's used clothing, shoes, wheelchair, and other items, to different agencies around which would take used items in good condition. Ann's family generously helped me with shipping costs to return things (mostly pictures) to them.

Then I had to pack and label each box in print and speech, via use of a "Pen Friend". And I had to look at houses to find a place to live.

I moved here at the end of June, then began unpacking as furiously as I had packed. At least in a Physical sense, I just wanted Very much to be able to Find things again!

Also, I taught a Braille student who needed the assistance quickly. Some of the lessons took as much prep. Work as the lessons themselves took to teach.

It wasn't until the second half of August that I began having some break time to think or feel a lot.

And I am unsure what to do with my life now. It seems I always feel tired. I can's sort out whether this is physical, (cancer recurrence?) or just an emotional backlog demanding time to be dealt with. There is the desire to die after someone you love dies suddenly. Since I don't plan to do a Thing to bring about my death this desire not to have to start over without a loved one takes the form of worrying about having cancer again.

There is also the desire to live, and I have fear that I cannot learn to do what I want, on my own. When I'm Really depressed I would add, "And does it matter anyway?"

So, that's how it is at a time when everyone thinks I've had more than half a year to "get used to your new situation."