Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Personal Life Changes

Life Changes

I am finally becoming me again after dropping some meds.  But I've discovered that those meds. Were just sitting on some old issues I had only partially dealt with.  So against my Own better judgment, I may have found a psychologist with whom I can work. It's too early to tell.

The problem is that I have a limited number of people who can help with rides and limited financial resources to pay for transportation.  So, in order not to ask too much of any one person I need to drop out of ASL. Class because I will need those same resources, should I decide to work with this psychologist.  ASL Class helped me fight the isolation which pleagues all Deaf-Blind people I have met and many Deaf people as well.  It provided me with an opportunity to get Out of This House into a friendly environment of others learning a language I also need to learn.  This is a complicated decision.  I hope therapy is worth it.

The good thing is that the ASL Class, at least for the moment, is open and if I cannot make progress in therapy I can come back.  But whether the same people will be there is uncertain.  Whether the class will continue is also uncertain.

I have decided to let go of some of the objects which Ann loved, (a piece of furniture, an indoor fountain maybe) in order to allow all of the parts of my personality which were submerged by the medications to exist.  This means bringing in an old doll house from the garage and setting it up in the living room, either covered or facing the wall.  It is an easy thing to turn around and should allow kid parts a comfortable place to play.  At present they have no such place and have been wanting one, ever since I became able to function better after withdrawing from meds., most meds.  

So, my income won't be going up, but my interest in dolls and action figures will.

Isolation is a problem.  My main helpers  for transportation are "early birds" going to bed by nine PM.  Sometimes Deaf Chat doesn't start until 7:00 PM.  This means my helpers want to leave by 8:00 or 8:30 at the latest, to get home and crash.  Many deaf people are so isolated that even if they hold full time jobs they Make time to talk with other deaf people.  I myself am a Night Owl, Not an Early Bird.  I love the quiet of night, no phone, no people around, I can do what I want unobserved and unjudged.  There are a number of Fine people in my life but I must Limit my dealings with them severely!  This means, watching my mouth around the devout Christians, not talking politics around the devout Republicans who don't like people on "welfare" What am I? etc.  This is a problem which is much more severe for people with disabilities who are forced through lack of income to depend upon others. 

I am interested in: art, (nonvisual as well as descriptions of visual art) music, politics, dolls,  books, spicy food, good coffee, Fair Trade,  spirituality, gardening organically, multiplicity and of course, ASL and Deaf Culture.  There is maybe One person I can speak to about all of these things, a truck driver I see for a day or two every couple of months.  

It's an Expensive way to do things, but If this psychologist can cope, maybe at Least I'll have Someone to talk to!  Not sure that's a good enough reason to go to therapy.  I want to work on issues which have come up for me since I've dropped some meds.

I've been invited to a deaf-blind Christmas Party where everyone brings a dish.  One problem I have as a result of dropping meds. Is fear.  Fear of people, mostly, not logical, given that these are people I know.  Fear adds to already existing isolation and the more isolated a person gets, the more fearful or depressed they can become, a vicious cycle.  This was one of the things ASL. Class was helping to break.  Will working with a psychologist do the same or be so difficult that it doesn't?  I don't know.

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