Being institutionalized, as I was at blind school leads to what shrinks call "learned helplessness", or, like me you are always in trouble because you are fighting for your sanity!
Some days the Extreme frustration of disability brings back that same old feeling, Rage, with No feeling of ability or control over what happens in my life.
Night before last I woke myself up yelling because a big cricket was crawling up my face. Not being awake enough to grab it and toss it outside, I grabbed At it and it clung to my finger. Instinctively, I tossed it across the room. Could I look for it once I woke? Nope.
Yesterday I tried to purchase something from an online store. Could I see the code hidden in the image? Nope. Could I hear it? My computer kept gibbering over it and it was too soft anyway.
I began reading a book called "Far from the Tree" by Andrew Solomon. A long but worthwhile read. But he's mostly talking about families who came to love and accept their disabled kids, count me out, but it's mother's day. He also talked about how often deaf children are sexually abused and when they report it, using sign language, written statements in clear English, or by using graphic gestures to show what was done to them no one cared or believed them. Yep, they thought because I was "Only" blind back then I wouldn't know who they were and when I tried to tell, well how did I know, I didn't See them did I?
I need to reset my pay pal password, same problem of the code I can no longer see or Hear, anymore.
In his chapter on deafness Mr. Solomon spoke of the decline of deaf culture. We deaf-blind are a tiny minority. But if Deaf Culture wants to survive, acceptance of us might help. Ok, I sign Pigeon Spoken English. I miss the flowing beauty of whole body expression through "pure ASL". Not deaf enough or not sighted enough? Both!
The volunteer free ASL class I was attending keeps shutting down and starting up again and even when home work is assigned I never get a chance to present it to find out if I am speaking ASL correctly in my presentations.
So my deaf-blind teacher says I should pay cab fare to go to "Deaf Chat". Why, when no one talks to me? She wants me to pay someone to drive to her town to keep learning. I can't remember twenty new words mixed with ones I know in a two hour session without writing directions to make those signs down in Braille, which is time consuming. Why try?
Because if I lose Medicaid and my hearing aids break, I have a "severe to profound" hearing loss. No one in my family wants to learn ASL. Who the hell will I talk to then?
There is a device costing thousands of dollars which transcribes Braille to print and vis versa. Will I be able to get it? Will others Use it to "converse" with me? I have already asked for it but I'm "not deaf enough yet."
When I lived with Ann we pooled our income and could pay to have the windows plasticed for Winter and the plastic removed, if my ladder wouldn't reach the windows. I need help with the garden And removing the plastic. The only people who will help are a Christian Sunday school class. I am Truly thankful for their help, (and tthey have helped a
Lot!) but No One Likeds feeling indebted, like someone's pet project! I always feel like there's a price to pay and sometimes I'm right. It doesn't feel emotionally comfortable, natural, or safe!
I found some cool places selling Fair Trade items made by people with disabilities. But they all want $500 to $700 Minimum orders, Plus frate, shipping. I have saved about $400.
Saturday, when I went to get my last anti-rabies shot a lose dog came running into my front yard, growling at me and my dog. I was scared but lucky. It ran away when I yelled at it angrily. I don't like going to sleep wondering where that damned cricket and its relations are and I don't feel safe outside when a dog barks nearby and I have to listen hard and try figuring out if it's lose or not.
I'm trying to read the second part of Mr. Solomon's book, but Audible.com has stopped allowing me to download purchased books. They have technical support like most, telling me all I have to do is look for the icon and move the mouse pointer to . . . Many of their customers are blind, why don't they HIRE a BLIND PERSON who can Touch Type and knows keyboard commands?
My sewing ability has improved greatly, but I still cannot cut out a pattern. Bood thing my mind is often filled with designs, when I'm not so angry.
A friend always says "concentrate on what you CAN DO" and in general, I agree. So I fed and medicated the animals as directed by my vet, took the dog out to pee and did the flipping dishes!
Then I wrote This! Do I think I'm worse off than a garment worker in
Bangladesh or someone caught in the Civil War in ? Never. Do I have a right to my own feelings? Yes. Syria