I read once in a book that there is a difference between grief and mourning. Grief is experienced at the loss, especially the sudden loss, of a beloved person. Grief is experienced when there is time.
Mourning is longer and slower and is experienced when there are children to raise, or for some other reason, grief must be postponed.
For the first time since Ann died I had a dream about her last night. I was acting silly, we were talking together in the way we had, trying to figure out a possible motive for something. I have felt very sad ever since. But I have enough of a life of my own now to keep going. But the hurt is a physical thing, making me feel like crying, but I never learned to do that or it was Unlearned long ago.
When I think of it, I was in shock and grief the night Ann died. But by the next day there was so much Work! I needed to call her and our close friends and tell them what had happened, continue taking care of pets and house, (the dog was sick then) wonder what had happened, Why she was gone, and I knew I would have to move.
I had to put together a Memorial Service, find an honoring container for her ashes, Stop her Disability checks and Food Stamps, And go into her room to begin sorting through things I thought her family would want. I Had to be numb to go into that room or outside in the snow near where she was found, frozen.
I had no Time to grieve. There were boxes of print papers to sort through which were taller than me, about six feet tall. With various friends and Wendi, the world's most wonderful friend, who could have split but stayed as my healthcare aide, we sorted into huge piles: recycle, shred, send to Ann's family. This went on for a couple of months.
Then I had to donate Ann's clothing, dishes, etc. to places around town which would give them to people free of charge. Then there was packing to move. Some things I had no time to sell I just let go.
Then I had to pack to move, What a nightmare, and look at cheaper rental houses to move into and clean the one we had lived in. I had to keep in contact with the funeral home, put together a memorial book, etc.
It was four months of slogging Work.
Looking back I know I Never would have gotten through it without friends and Wendi. I don't know how the hell we did it! Food for the memorial gathering, then taking it Down, shocking, as it all came apart so Shockingly much faster than it went together. That hurt!
After moving there was rearranging furniture in the house, and Unpacking so I could live here. Then there were guys showing up after dark getting mad because someone I'd never heard of was not here, an attempted break in, I actually did good, just getting Through it all.
But it led to what the book's author called mourning, long and slow, as I could deal with it.
I guess now my mind and body are strong enough now to remember Ann herself, enough to dream about her. I am glad. I miss her so very much! She was the m most Curious person I've ever met, except for me, when I'm feeling decent. This meant she was Never borring.
We talked about the news and politics, her art, (I asked her to describe a painting then asked questions because I was interested.) Ann was interested in my weaving, my doll clothes, (she helped me cut out the patterns I described which came from my mind) she liked dolls, blues, folk, classic rock, and Native American music. We both found word games and Bopit fun, and we both liked getting presents for others (even if it was just a card) which the receiver would like. We both worked at spiritual growth and prayed for others together as well as one another. And we both read books like crazy, enjoying historical fiction which was well researched, Science Fiction, and many other books harder to classify. Amy Tan, Barbara Kingsolver, John Grisham, some Lisa See, Maya Angelou always, Sarah Waters, Alice Walker, Salmon Rushdie, Isaac Asimov, Toni Morrison, so many old friends we shared. And we both loved J. R. R. Tolkein. We read E. M. Forster. So many books while we ate dinner, Ann drew or painted, and I sewed or wove. It was and still is wonderful to have known someone with so Many interests. We gardened together and Ann taught me how to dig with a spade. We planted fruit trees and cooking herbs everywhere we lived.
Years of good memories and sadness for Ann's loss and no more possibility of making more happy memories like those.
Maybe I'll start a petition on Blogger to make is Accessible to assistive technology (screen readers and Braille displays and speech recognition software.) I can't correct my spelling and I didn't type this out in Word first. I think faster than I type which causes a lot of mistakes, I'm sorry.
I cannot add labels to any post through Blogger anymore, or change the way my posts look. Annoying! But I just wanted to write a post down as it came out, thus, the mistakes.
Thanks for reading.