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Tonight I watched the last episode, a movie, of Deep Space Nine, my favorite Star Trek spin off. At the end of it Quark, the bartender, says, "The more things change the more they stay the same."
But I was crying, thinking of Ann, and the fact that I know we watched this movie together when it was first on TV, but I couldn't remember doing so. Also, on some cosmic scale what Quark said is probably true, but Not for the individuals involved. It wasn't the same for Captain Sisco's pregnant wife, for Colonel Kira when her partner left, not the same for Jake Sisco, never knowing when or if he would ever see his father again, and not the same for Any of the Millions who lost families, cities, and homes. And not the same for me either.
The death of my father at age 15 changed my life permanently in ways no one could have guessed. It changed the lives of my sisters too. The death of Ann's identical twin by drowning when they were both 17 left a hole in her heart that no human ever filled. It hurt her younger sister and parents deeply. After Ann's death someone went through some of her paintings and drawings with me. One she never told me about, even though her twin's death came up in conversation fairly often showed someone sinking in water and was titled: "I Should Have Looked."
We who are left behind when there is a sudden death seem to feel that we Should have Known, somehow, that the person we loved was in danger. Rationalizing may put a stop to going over and over it, but I'm not sure that feeling Ever completely leaves.
A person goes on, stays busy if possible with beneficial activities, but they Are changed. Those changes can make one kinder or more cruel, bitter or forgiving, but they Do occur. And things are Not the same.
New subject: Logically I knew that someday I would get Through most of the pain of Ann's death. I have thought about checking out but decided to try doing something I wanted to do, instead. It won't replace Ann at all, but making doll clothes and finding out if I can sell them is fun, and Certainly a challenge. And although I get thoroughly Sick of being political, my hope is that the small activities in which I take part will help other people in Mo.
Now to the new subject, I cannot Believe the Arrogance of some of our state legislators! Ok, many states are fighting the Affordable Care Act, saying it's unconstitutional to Force people to carry health insurance. But Not Car insurance? Maybe they have money enough to take care of themselves, regardless of their possible illnesses, but don't want to get stuck with a bill if they get hit by an uninsured motorist. I mean a bill for Car Repairs, got to get those priorities straight, don't we?
There is a bill in the Mo. Senate to make it illegal for ME and Any Other Citizen of this State to take Advantage of the Affordable Care Act. Hello, WHO put YOU in office? Who do YOU think you have the right to let die when help might be Available? Just Who do they Think they Are?
If you can keep from Hurling, check this out!
http://www.whatstherealcrime.org/ The bill is stuck in the Senate but if it should become law before the session ends . . .
More Pleasant Subject: I decided that if I was going to try and live I had better take care of my diet.. I have learned what foods promote cancer, what foods have lots of antioxidents, etc. My whole diet and lifestyle changed when I got cancer the first time, thanks to a Cherokee healer and a wonderful pharmacist who did supplement research for me. The second time an Irriquoi lady who knew a Great deal about herbs spent Hours in the library researching what to take and what to avoid with my particular chemo. drugs. It is thanks to them, Ann, and many others that I have been cancer free for seven years.
I make sugarless granola. Those granola bars and cereal from stores can have brown sugar, honey, and dried fruit or maple syrup all in One bar or box.
Things I put in my granola are Old Fashioned, slow cooking rolled oats, raw, with walnuts, flax seeds, hemp seeds, (but they are too expensive, even IF they are high in protein. (Maybe it costs a lot to get the THC Out of them.) pumpkin seeds, unsweetened coconut, peanuts, cinnamon, nutmeg, (lots of cinnamon which lowers blood sugar and is sweet) and some kind of dried fruit, raisins, currants, whatever you like, but Not Sugared dried fruit.
Throw everything unroasted into a baking pan spread out no more than an inch and a half deep. Mix with spices. Coconut oil Can be added for flavor and sweetness, but isn't necessary. Roast at about 325 F. until done. I tell "done" by smell and taste. Then add dried fruit, (small fruit or fruit cut into small pieces will sweeten granola better as will spread through it more evenly) and any roasted ingredients such as pumpkin seeds or peanuts. Put back in oven until all is hot through and pre-roasted stuff has mixed enough to pick up spice flavors.
I have also added ground parched corn, a friend adds rice checks cereal, you can be creative.
I made some Omega 3 and protein rich sugarless granola tonight, I was out. Kept me up late, but was something Pleasant to do, which I needed.
Good night!
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