Monday, October 7, 2013



I can trace the violence in my family back at least as far as the Civil War.  From there, how far back do you want to go?  Should the Forced Expulsion of "The Trail of Tears" in 1838count, etc.

In any case the personal violence of adults against children has a long history.  There was, I believe, a strong cultural clash between the very religious and patriarchal Scottish people and the matriarchal, matri-local Cherokees they married.  The expectations of Cherokee manhood and Scottish manhood differed widely in terms of sexuality, divorce, a woman's role, abstenance from liquor, and other matters.  Cherokee men disappointed Scottish women, being branded immoral, weak, etc.  The English women beaten by their husbands determined Never to lose control as their mothers had and married Cherokee men who failed to be strong enough in the religious (fundamentalist Christian ways and Penticostalism) of their wives, what a mess!  To be sure, in each generation there were one or more people who Refused to be violent.  But I'm sorry to say that alcohol, many marriages, and violence toward and neglect of children prevailed.

Can I prove all of this?  No, that would mean asking the dead to rise and speak the truth and the living to admit things they don't want to remember.

Everyone in my family on the maternal side and one branch of the paternal side has had serious problems. My mother's mother, my mother, and all of her children have, at one time or another, been treated with medications (usually anti-depressants) to moderate their moods.

My sisters and I can only say "Thanks for the genes And environment" then do our best. 

I have used prescribed anti-depressants off and on since age 15.  But I am ready to stop taking them.

After going through a scary withdrawal from low dose Elavil to help me sleep (I took the generic but don't know how to spell it correctly) and Zoloft for depression, (three weeks of misery) I started Cymbalta.

There was a constant headache, lack of deep sleep,  more itching all over than from allergies alone,  constipation, and the feeling which  grew each day that I was being Driven by someone Other than me.  After four or five hours of lighter sleep than usual I would hit the floor running racing against What?  And my mind multi-tasking far ahead of my body's ability to keep up, though I worked steadily.  At night my mind wouldn't Shut Up!  Cymbalta also impairs "sexual function."  I am not involved with anyone but do not choose to have those human feelings and possibilities  cut off by a drug.

I thought about taking Cymbalta only in the morning.  But did I want that racing feeling, unable to sit down feeling all day? 

Last night I skipped a dose, the lowest dose available, and woke up after feeling a bit more Rested.  I felt like Me in an indefinable way.  I used the rest room and decided I hadn't gained two pounds since starting Cymbalta, I was "full of it."

I also discovered to my surprise that although my mind felt sleepy, I was getting things done this morning just as fast as always.  And I Liked me better, was less irritable, only laughing when the dog accidently sprinkled my shoe in the yard.  I have more ringing in my ears than usual, a slight headache which could be allergy related or not, and a bit of dizziness which could be allergy related or not.

When I tried to tell myself to take my Cymbalta this morning I just decided I Hated that racing, driven feeling. One of my inexpensive enjoyments was listening to an audio book Loud or via headphones as I sewed or beaded.  But when taking Cymbalta I just found the book an irritant, keeping me from focusing on my work.  It will be interesting to see if I can enjoy books again as I gradually withdraw from this medication.   I will probably take it every other day for the purposes of safer withdrawal, but I think I want to try and live Without these medications.  I will continue with anti-anxiety meds.  This is a scary choice to try.  But if my brain chemistry for depression hasn't been corrected by now, will it ever be?  We'll see.

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