Waking Up!

Yesterday I completely screwed up my schedule, though I got through it all right. So How did I get through Christmas? A little too much to drink before bed, (I wake up during the night anyway) and Way too much Sugar, which I rarely eat. I was feeling physically ill yesterday and had to go over my mistakes. I've already mentioned three, counting the schedule screw ups.

Of course I knew that Ann wouldn't be here for Christmas, but somehow that was Completely disconnected in my mind from how much Christmas month (we stretched it) food I bought. So yesterday the small cheese blocks went into the freezer. Cheese freezes well (unless it is cream cheese) and thaws slowly, no unauthorized raids on it. In went the coffee cake too. It might not have a nice texture when thawed, but it should still taste good.

How long had it been since I had eaten my anti-cancer diet, taken researched vitamins, about a week and a half, changed that yesterday, too. Back to the old regime. Bought Only Healthy groceries, no drink or two before bed last night. Today, what I need to get done is clear in my mind.

Guess I didn't do as well as I thought at getting through Christmas. Why? A couple of times I have descended into pain so bad it physically hurt, all the way through my chest, throat, and stomach. These are the times I have cried. It still takes a lot to make me cry. Fear of that kind of pain is why I ran away. I am Thankful I Didn't blow money on things I don't want or need. The food will keep and can be eaten slowly over time. I'm Glad no one showed up at my door and that I didn't forget to delete unidentified E-mails. But I did not do as well as I thought. The only thing there is to do is what I have done, straighten out my eating and drinking habits and try again. Before Ann died I had between two and four drinks a year, in family gatherings. It's been harder since she died, more like a drink each week or two, Until I discovered alcoholic eggnog I liked, Yum! Good alone or in coffee, and Full of sugar. Nothing wrong with any of this, in moderation. Just have to get Back to moderation, which began yesterday. Have to watch it New Years Eve and day, a time of reflection for Ann and me in the past. Don't know if I Want to reflect too much on this past year.

It is ridiculously warm here now, but we have gotten a little ice, two days ago. (And you think the weather is changeable in Chicago?) I feel terror of the snow we still may get. Ann was found under it. It fills up all of the curbs, covers sidewalks and holes in the yard which are tactile landmarks, and freezes gates shut. Dreading finding my way around in it, with no one to yell for if I get lost. Will just have to call for help on my cell phone.

So, like it or not, I am awake again and thinking more. I am glad. When I look back over the week or two before Christmas, it's scary.
It's not like any big deal, when judged against people who grew up drinking and are often disorganized. But being blind means I Need to be organized and I didn't grow up with any liquor at home. What scares me isn't what I did, but that I didn't even notice. As someone who has been through two rounds of cancer surgeries and chemotherapy, I feel a Need to pay more attention to what I eat and drink than most people do. Now I Need to find that audio book I don't remember borrowing from the library, if I don't want to pay for it.

Christmas and After

Spent some time yesterday with a kind friend who also did not want to be alone on Christmas. It helped. Instead of Christmas traditional we had a small block of cheese with sun dried tomatoes and pesto on crackers or blue corn chips, coffee with sugar-free flavored syrup, and pumpkin butter cake. We listened to one another's favorite songs, some of them, and discussed how creative people in hideous circumstances were. It began because I was researching unusual instruments. My friend plays a psaltery (hope that spelling is right.) I enjoyed listening to it and a lap harp I have which she played with a cheat sheet under the strings. I told her about some of the instruments made by the blues artist Super Chickan, including a six string Didly Bow, a Chickantar (guitar using a gas can for a body, if I understand right) and the car muffler used in a concert by Homemade Jamz Blues Band, which blew up during concert, yet they were Still able to perform. We talked about how African American slaves were forcibly separated from their musical instruments and how (talking drums) work. They found a way to beat on shipping crates at different places on the crates, to create messages. My friend is a metal worker and has worked with wood, cardboard, many materials, to make three dimensional designs for classes. She decided to make a didly bow. Sorry about my spelling, I haven't read this instrument's name in Braille.

When she left I felt like a smothering blanket settled on me. I sang a couple of songs from my "venting tape" and it helped a bit. Then I ate more cake than I should and napped, Bad Combination! But when I woke, about an hour later, I felt some better. By the end of the day I was reading, sewing and drinking green tea which was flavored. The plain stuff just tastes like drinking the front yard and I don't like it.

Whoever sent me E-mails with no name attached, just a string of numbers should know I delete All e-mails without a name I recognize. Also, if I Do recognize the name and open the mail I Won't click on an eclosed link, unless its purpose is clearly explained. I Don't Appreciate such mail and also Delete it!

Staying away from stores today, no interest in fighting through after Christmas sales, exchanges and complaints, etc.

Joy to the World,
All the boys and girls now,
Joy to the Christmas shoppers at a mall,
We're so glad we ain't with you all!

This was a harmonized answering machine message which Ann and I used to do between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It still makes me smile, even though I have no one to sing harmony with. Of course, for you young ones, it was sung to "Joy to the World" by the rock group Three Dog Night.

I am Grateful for some pleasant memories which help me to survive Christmas, so far. This is one of them.

Sometime during this Fall National Public Radio (NPR) had a "What is your favorite sound" question. The sounds people submitted tended to be more complex than one of my most favorite sounds. I love the sound of a floppy-eared dog shaking its head. I don't know why, perhaps because my two Seeing Eye Dogs were both Labradors, but that particular sound always makes me happy. It's funny when a little dog does this, because the sound is so Different than big ears flapping.

I also love the sound of our Mourning Doves flying. It's a funny sound, unlike any other. Kind of like a tiny helicopter taking off, but another totally unique sound.

It's cold here now, and every night I am Thankful for Heat and a roof over my head. I hope my small food donations have helped someone eat better. I try to donate throughout the year, but once the gardens die back I really pay more attention to it.

With the economy in its current state, think I will have a garden with some friens this year. But for now it is wonderful to have a warm bed to sleep in. Some of our nights have Been "three dog nights" (it takes three dogs sleeping around you to keep you warm).

I read a book once which described this season of the year well. Read it as a kid, so cannot remember the name properly. The book said that Christmas tore poor families to pieces. All the things you wish for your kids and can't provide, all of the special foods other people have, all of the warm family relationships shown on TV or in store windows, etc. For those who, for emotional or physical reasons will be Enduring Christmas, my heart is with you.
That is why
I wish each of you the best Christmas you can have, or the best Hanukkah or Kwaanza. I hope things turn out Better than you expect!

Learning to Cry

I am learning to cry! For people who already Do cry this may seem like an altogether sad thing. It's true, I am learning to cry out of loneliness, sadness, and anger because Ann isn't here. But I got the ability to cry driven out of me so early that it is something I haven't been able to do but once, since the night Ann died. I have wanted to cry often, felt the tightness in my throat, pain in my chest and stomach, but tears just wouldn't come. It helps to live alone, for me anyway, to learn to cry. For years I defined the presence of other people, Any other people, as unsafe. Ann is almost the only person I have cried in front of, since my father died when I was 15.

Last night I finished the third "Harry Potter" book, in which Harry was told that his father was alive in him. Ann and I were not related. So I wondered if I could find her traits which might have rubbed off, in the 30 years we were friends, and which were now a part of me. I remembered getting those taped books after my cancer diagnosis, when neither of us was sure I could tolerate chemotherapy and live. People in this area of the state were Still trying to get the books banned from the libraries, but our friends had thoroughly enjoyed them. My older sister, knowing my health outlook wasn't promising, asked if there was anything I really wanted. I really wanted to read those books! So I got them with her help.

After remembering this I remembered things Ann and I discussed about the books, the good lessons we thought they could offer kids, like, best friends quarrell sometimes, people under pressure are more likely to snap in anger, and there Are things worse than dying, like the dementors.

Then I started to cry because it had been enough years since we read the books together that if Ann were alive, she would have enjoyed our reading them together again, as I am enjoying rereading them.

And, knowing Ann was not physically present, I talked to her anyway, telling her how nothing filled the hole she had left in my life and that often life just feels like going through the motions, or living in a hollow shell, which I did not care much about. I said I wanted her to be happy. I also said I was angry with her for dying.

Then I realized I had been crying and was surprised. I am actually Thankful for this Pain Release Valve, even if it only helps temporarily. Over time, I suppose it will begin to relieve the degree of pain I feel. That is what I am told, anyway. It isn't pleasant, but I am Glad to be getting back a human ability taken from me so many years ago by cruelty.

Feeling better today, don't know why, but Thankful! Wish I could cut out doll clothing patterns made by Ann, I actually hhave a bit of time to sew.

Still haven't gotten refund from Gallery for 18 inch dolls Not useful to blind child. On their site, they say complete refund is given for any reason. They do Not specifically say doll's hair can never be brushed or washed under water, or that wire under stuffing connects legs and arms to body, etc. I returned them in perfect condition, they have had them back for a while. Keep "losing" my information. Have contacted them Five times now. Annoying.
For those of you who celebrate Christmas, have a safe, warm, and Happy Christmas.
For those who might not celebrate it, enjoy your time off, be safe and warm.

Bummer, Mostly

Nothing can fill the hole a loved person who dies leaves in your life. I have distracted myself with things, with food I really don't need to eat, with keeping quite busy. I shall Endure Christmas with another person with a visit from someone who, like me, wishes it would go away. This does not mean I wish to spoil anyone elses fun. It is simply all I know to do. A listserv of people to which I belong is all sharing Christmas plans. The military families among them are understandably worried about and missing their loved ones. I Deeply Hope they All make it home safely. Lots of people have it worse than me. But I wouldn't wish even This on anyone!

One Good thing about the Buddhist belief in impermanence (constant change, nothing lasts forever, even what we call the Self it constantly changing and hopefully growing) is the knowledge that I Can get through this, as I have gotten through so many other things. It just doesn't Feel that way right now. I crave, am attached, to things which I Know won't make me feel better in the long run, but Will provide some distraction value. Yet I am getting tired of trying to distract myself, just beginning to let myself feel as rotten as I feel. But where is the balance? I still walk for a mile or two, several times weekly. It helps. Still feel happy when the sun touches my face, and still try to remember to take the vitamins which have helped in keeping me cancer free. I can be quite busy and still feel bored, like the routine of my life never changes, just gets more or less busy. Doesn't feel like enough, but it will have to be until my situation changes or I learn something new which helps me to understand it differently. One good thing, I sewed a doll dress and have most of the decorations on it done. Many dark and cloudy days, I'll be glad to see the Sun return, whenever that happens. Finches and canary don't sing on days like these either. Wish I hibernated, sometimes.

Unwanted Visitor, Bleeping Smoke Detector, obnoxious calls, This Weekend

Sucky weekend. Friday night I was cooking a pot of chili in a slow cooker left on all night. It hasn't done this before, probably because I had slow cooker sitting on cabinet, not stove. But smoke detector kept bleeping, as if it was giving low battery warning all night. Even this bleep was loud. The dog freaked, jumping and waking up scared every time the damned thing went off.

I spent more than an hour movint a step stool down the hallway and climbing up to feel the walls and ceilings in the area where smoke detector Should be. Zilch. Found a defunct doorbell speaker, all of the lights I already knew about, no smoke detector. No sleep either!

Sat. night, for the Second Sat. night running, a man I don't know came to our door. I opened door on chain, he just stood there. Finally I said "What do you want?" and he guessed he got the wrong house. Dog barked when the man came to door. And as soon as door was opened on chain, stuck his nose out. Yeah dog!

For the week in between these weekends, I have been getting calls where person won''t identify themselves. I let answering machine pick it up, just noise, always noise in background, someone thumping on table or desk where their phone is, etc. left on machine. Calls were every 2 to 3 hours, from around 8 A.M. to nearly 11:00 P.M.

Finally in rage, as I happened to be nearest phone, I snatched it up near end of a hard week, and snaped "Stop calling me!" Calls stopped, except for the morning one.

But today got two calls again.
Sleep?

Sat. a kind friend came over helped me find smoke detectors, in not usual places. Battery tested all of them, they are fine. No more putting slow cooker on plug behind stove. But at least now I can find all detectors.

Will call phone company tomorrow, switch my number, get Talking caller I.D.?

Today a friend came over to check outdoor lights (not suficient but used) were working and grill over window still in place. Unclear communication led to me missing Christmas concert in which my niece had a solo. Sleep? Not enough.