Monday, December 19, 2011

Bummer, Mostly

Nothing can fill the hole a loved person who dies leaves in your life. I have distracted myself with things, with food I really don't need to eat, with keeping quite busy. I shall Endure Christmas with another person with a visit from someone who, like me, wishes it would go away. This does not mean I wish to spoil anyone elses fun. It is simply all I know to do. A listserv of people to which I belong is all sharing Christmas plans. The military families among them are understandably worried about and missing their loved ones. I Deeply Hope they All make it home safely. Lots of people have it worse than me. But I wouldn't wish even This on anyone!

One Good thing about the Buddhist belief in impermanence (constant change, nothing lasts forever, even what we call the Self it constantly changing and hopefully growing) is the knowledge that I Can get through this, as I have gotten through so many other things. It just doesn't Feel that way right now. I crave, am attached, to things which I Know won't make me feel better in the long run, but Will provide some distraction value. Yet I am getting tired of trying to distract myself, just beginning to let myself feel as rotten as I feel. But where is the balance? I still walk for a mile or two, several times weekly. It helps. Still feel happy when the sun touches my face, and still try to remember to take the vitamins which have helped in keeping me cancer free. I can be quite busy and still feel bored, like the routine of my life never changes, just gets more or less busy. Doesn't feel like enough, but it will have to be until my situation changes or I learn something new which helps me to understand it differently. One good thing, I sewed a doll dress and have most of the decorations on it done. Many dark and cloudy days, I'll be glad to see the Sun return, whenever that happens. Finches and canary don't sing on days like these either. Wish I hibernated, sometimes.

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