Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Waking Up!

Yesterday I completely screwed up my schedule, though I got through it all right. So How did I get through Christmas? A little too much to drink before bed, (I wake up during the night anyway) and Way too much Sugar, which I rarely eat. I was feeling physically ill yesterday and had to go over my mistakes. I've already mentioned three, counting the schedule screw ups.

Of course I knew that Ann wouldn't be here for Christmas, but somehow that was Completely disconnected in my mind from how much Christmas month (we stretched it) food I bought. So yesterday the small cheese blocks went into the freezer. Cheese freezes well (unless it is cream cheese) and thaws slowly, no unauthorized raids on it. In went the coffee cake too. It might not have a nice texture when thawed, but it should still taste good.

How long had it been since I had eaten my anti-cancer diet, taken researched vitamins, about a week and a half, changed that yesterday, too. Back to the old regime. Bought Only Healthy groceries, no drink or two before bed last night. Today, what I need to get done is clear in my mind.

Guess I didn't do as well as I thought at getting through Christmas. Why? A couple of times I have descended into pain so bad it physically hurt, all the way through my chest, throat, and stomach. These are the times I have cried. It still takes a lot to make me cry. Fear of that kind of pain is why I ran away. I am Thankful I Didn't blow money on things I don't want or need. The food will keep and can be eaten slowly over time. I'm Glad no one showed up at my door and that I didn't forget to delete unidentified E-mails. But I did not do as well as I thought. The only thing there is to do is what I have done, straighten out my eating and drinking habits and try again. Before Ann died I had between two and four drinks a year, in family gatherings. It's been harder since she died, more like a drink each week or two, Until I discovered alcoholic eggnog I liked, Yum! Good alone or in coffee, and Full of sugar. Nothing wrong with any of this, in moderation. Just have to get Back to moderation, which began yesterday. Have to watch it New Years Eve and day, a time of reflection for Ann and me in the past. Don't know if I Want to reflect too much on this past year.

It is ridiculously warm here now, but we have gotten a little ice, two days ago. (And you think the weather is changeable in Chicago?) I feel terror of the snow we still may get. Ann was found under it. It fills up all of the curbs, covers sidewalks and holes in the yard which are tactile landmarks, and freezes gates shut. Dreading finding my way around in it, with no one to yell for if I get lost. Will just have to call for help on my cell phone.

So, like it or not, I am awake again and thinking more. I am glad. When I look back over the week or two before Christmas, it's scary.
It's not like any big deal, when judged against people who grew up drinking and are often disorganized. But being blind means I Need to be organized and I didn't grow up with any liquor at home. What scares me isn't what I did, but that I didn't even notice. As someone who has been through two rounds of cancer surgeries and chemotherapy, I feel a Need to pay more attention to what I eat and drink than most people do. Now I Need to find that audio book I don't remember borrowing from the library, if I don't want to pay for it.

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