Saturday, November 10, 2012

Hard Couple of Weeks

I'm told their is a website entittled FML for (blogger wouldn't like it) F--- My Life."  These last couple of weeks have felt like that on a personal level.  It doesn't mean nothing good has happened.  President Obama won re-election.  But in this corner of the state we're stuck with the status quo.  I figured we would be, but it's still a bummer!  We lost one of our best state representatives to term limits.

On a more personal level I saw my oncologist and didn't get a good report.  Last time my CA125 (ovarian cancer marker) was this high, I had surgery.  The Dr. asked if I wanted to begin the nasty round of tests to locate cancer.  The tests make me physically ill so I said no.  We agreed to retest in a month.

During this month I will be eating only veggies. (low carb ones) and protein, lots of eggs.  No grain, beans, fruit, rice, or corn.  Sucks.  Honestly, there wasn't much to pick Out of my diet.  I stopped my once weekly ice cream treat.  Luckily, I'd just bought big batch of hot peppers and bell peppers and celantro from Farmer's Market, now closed on the day I have transport.  Unluckily, I had just bought a big batch of sweet potatoes there too, which I can't now eat for a month.  Hope they keep.  They are one of my favorite Winter foods.

I bought a reading machine/Ipod for $250 so I can listen to books at other places than my computer.  Then, while the cat and dog were squabling for bed space atop my covers, and I was trying to settle an ice pack on my hand and arm with tendonitis under the covers, I reached for the Wrong adapter plug and fried the machine in a way Not covered by warranty.  I wish I could dry.

The three things I enjoy most are learning TASL, class is Now canceled until Jan. 2013, (We found this out when showing up for a class we were assured would take place last week).  Working toward a website, stalled out, and sewing.  I only know One person who I see regularly and who knows how to sew.  And she helps me get groceries.  So I will eat veggies. from freezer as long as possible and ask her to help me sew.

I'm having trouble working with my healthcare aide.

Today I have the Good fortune to have been referred to someone who will charge $10 per hour, (decent money here) to clear plastic the outside of my windows, weather strip doors, etc.

Of course my mind is running all over the place.  Do I Really want to stick around  anyway?  If I can get something I care about done, yes.  But I am very lonely.  I listen to others a lot and despite my yaking via this blog, in person I don't talk much.

I got involved in one of the Best spiritually healing things last night.  Usually I can read and sew all at once with no problem.  But I was so involved in Toni Morrison's new (to me) book "Home" that I screwed up a sewing project completely.  I have read many of her fiction books.  But this one was different.  There was clear and obvious healing for the main characters at the end.  I would compare it to the novel "Ceremony" by Leslie Marmon Silko.  The dork reviewer talked about a mentally and spiritually wounded war vet and alcoholism, but Not about Healing, which is why I love Both of these books.  Neither seeks to deny the truth of life as they knew it.  But both find a way for their hearts and those of their main characters to survive as beneficial Humane hearts.

I have thought that we will lose Medicaid next Summer, probably, as we kept it only by two state senate voes last year.  If I should be forced to chose treatment or not, if  choose it it, then I will be in chemo. or something when Medicaid stops.  See how my "monkey mind" runs all over the IFS?  Well I'd thought of dying on the capital steps to protest.  Embarrassing to admit.  But the people who make choices for our lives should have to see the consequences Sometimes!

But when I read the end of Toni Morrison's book I knew I had found a jewel to stash in my heart.  I don't want to spoil it for you by telling, but it moved me deeply!  And she is, of course, Right.

Materially I am fine.  Emotionally I'm having a tough time.  And I've had some FML incidents to deal with.  But all that remains is to go on and do the best I can.  That "best" is in flux, but for now I will keep trying, that is all that's required.

Thank anyone who has read all of this and if you can read Toni Morrison's book "Home" which I found less painful than some of her other works, please read it to the end!  May you find a jewel for your hearts, as I did.

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