In all of the years I have treked through Winter snows, to go to collete, work, etc. I have never been so afraid of Winter. Although I am one of the Lucky ones with heat, a warm place to sleep, and food, I still fear.
There was the ice storm of Jan. 2007 when Ann and I lived in my trailer for a week, listening to limbs boom onto the roof and the trees all around us screaming as they were ripped apart, shredding into pieces, from the weight of ice on their branches. We learned to tell the sound of an ice slide onto the roof, from the boom of a branch, from the boom and crunch of a big puncture hole. We traded off nights of sleeping so that someone was always awake if a fire should start from the gas stove we heated with, and so someone could open a door or window every couple of hours to let out potential carbonmonoxide fumes. Also, if one of us got hit (or one of the animals did) by a limb punching through the trailer, the other could call for help.
You could tell who lived through the ice storm like us. For weeks afterwards they were still cold to the bone and walked around in mismatched layers of heavy clothing. And each time a limb fell close enough to make a noise, they would cover their head with their arms and duck.
Then in 2008 there was a freak string of JANUARY tornadoes which went through, rocking the little house I'd purchased for us in May (which neither of us liked). It rocked that repaired and added onto house on it's foundation, causing major foundation cracks we couldn't afford to ix. The flooding in March that year made us so constantly sick with mold and bleach fumes to try and clean it up that we left to rent a house we could Breathe in, by July.
I couldn't help thinking this morning, "and This is the kind of weather which killed Ann." Thirty to forty MPH winds, blowing snow, only we got just an inch or 2 today, not a foot or more like last Feb.
I kept wondering how long Ann had to be caught outside before she stopped suffering as hypothermia set in. Then I kept telling myself it was done, Ann Wasn't suffering now, so get a grip.
I have a student in Braille whom several people have been unable to reach in several days. It seems her phone number is no longer active. I told myself Not to be a drama queen, but after checking the hospitals last night and finding she wasn't at any in this area, I called the police today, asking if they would please check to see if she was all right. In this Horrid weather they very kindly did so and my friend has been seen, so she is at least physically well, a Great Relief!
A friend helped me plastic and seal windows from the inside and today we hung up curtains, curtains Ann had picked out at differing times. My friend said they made this place look more like a home, that it had a Temporary look before, even though the windows had blinds. That felt wrong to me. I realized that although I like the house I'd emotionally been living here on a Temporary basis, since July 2011.
I could have hung up two curtains which Ann had picked out in my bedroom, but couldn't make myself do this. Since they were both shades of gold, I left one curtain I had picked and hung One which she had picked out for the house I bought and lost. Doesn't make sense logically, but just felt Wrong to take down the curtain I picked and put up two matching ones which Ann picked out. Seemed to fill my room with too many memories.
Was angry with myself, but reminded myself there IS notthing logical about Feelings.
Kept hearing the beginning of an old Dooby brothers song part of which goes, "I keep forgettin' things will never be the same again, I keep forgettin'".
I am alone in a room where window hasn't been plasticed yet, cold and may just crawl under the covers and hide there for a while. I feel scared and until I have to take out dog again, nothing that I know of to be scared About.