Conversations

I think what I miss the most are ordinary conversations with Ann. Conversations which could be about something or nothing much. Let's see, if I could talk to you, Ann, I would say I miss you. Then I'd probably make some comment about a part of me getting scared, since your death, of snow. Today and into tomorrow we have Sneet! Hate that stuff! Don't mind a couple of inches of snow, especially that crunchy stuff which gives me some auditory feedback when I walk on it. You always loved snow, in whatever form, loved to watch it fall, loved to watch it turn all the world clean and new. You loved thin frosts where the green of evergreens could still be seen under the frosty blaze. And you loved reflections.

Well today while taking dog out I remembered being told by a friend that cornstarch was used in the movies to simulate snow. The friend and I poured out a bunch in a bowl and sure enough, by pushing it with your hands you Can make pretty much the same crunchy sound I hear when walking outside.

Today Wasn't a blizzard like when you died. It wasn't that super heavy two feet of stuff and howling wind, I would have been Terrified of That! Very little wind today, in fact and I'd guess between 2 and three inches.

But snow Is often a pain to get through. The heavy stuff Doesn't crunch and give sound feedback. It just covers what blind people call "landmarks" which can be a sidewalk, a curb cut or step, a hole in the yard, or metal grate on the sidewalk. And the sloppy stuff Muffles sound. Side streets are rarely plowed here. The whole town shuts down, or tries to if we get more than 8 to 10 inches at once. We don't get snow at the regular times of the year like we used to. And it seems like we get more ice and Sneet, like today's snow topped with "freezing drizzle". Yuck!

Then I would tell you that Christy's poem has brought out some amazing people on the deaf-blind listserv. It has not only brought out wise hads, but other writers, too. I am thoroughly positively impressed! But since you aren't here, I can't "post" examples.

I would tell you that your only living sister had serious surgery on her ankle and foot. I talked to her yesterday and she has been thinking of you. It was so sad to hear the loneliness in her voice, I keep offering to listen, in confidence, if she wants to talk about the death of her husband, just a few months before you died. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be the youngest child of three and be the only one left alive. I wish I could explain you to her and hopefully help bring even a tiny bit of healing to your estrangement in life.

And I would tell you, if you haven't seen them that the jogging partner you introduced me to gave me a multi-colored string of Christmas lights, which you loved, and I draped them in the front window around a sign saying "in Memory of Ann" and your last name. Tonight they must be twinkling out onto the snow, just the way you loved to see them. We had no snow for Christmas, but tonight the lights, though fewer than you'd like, would look just right!

And I'd show you the sewing I did today. I still have a couple of inches to go to finish this stage of the project. But I got a lot of sewing on differing projects done this weekend, and if you were willing, I'd ask you to check them out. I'm Improving, though the tendonitis in my hand hurts a lot more.

You just can't call up a friend on the phone for no particular reason to share all of the disconnected stuff like this, or at least I can't. Seems like everyone I know likes to talk in compartments and those compartments are where we meet. No problem there, but it's Very different than talking with someone who can go Beyond one or two compartments. I don't like to hang on the phone, just cut to the chase of why I called. But when you and I talked we exchanged a lot of info. I wasn't always successful, but I worked to go beyond compartments when listening to you, too.

It's hard sometimes not to escape the lonliness by overeating, eating foods I know aren't good for me. I even had a period of too much drinking around Christmas, That holiday Really Sucked without you in it, as did New Year, when we sometimes did a kind of year's review and were amazed at all that had happened, all we had survived! I Didn't do one of those this New Year, it was too damned depressing. Just wished you could share a drink with me so it would be a Fun occasion, not More Fun than feeling so Lonely. But I got the drink back under control, I stopped.
Just sort of woke up mentally one day and realized I hadn't really Been here for a while. Came back.

In Mo. they don't Have a Wholesale business license for a small, tiny, business. Or maybe it's just this county. So I Cannot give my Wholesale license number to anyone and buy "fair trade" goods wholesale. Instead, I have to have a website the wholesaler can visit, and a Retail business number they can check. This means I have to make up All of my own inventory, can't help by stocking "fair trade" wholesale items so I could get my site up sooner. A pain in the butt, as I want to sell "fair trade" goods anyway.

Wish there was a way to take lessons from your sister, who had a business doing all of the sewing for weddings for years. She is a PRO! But I don't know how we'd get along if we lived too close together, I don't know her that well.

I guess that's it for now. Can't imagine anyone will be interested in my ramblings, as you would have, but I feel some better just getting them out of my system. At least I do until I think of someone reading them and saying "boring or "who cares?" Critical self-talk again. Well I care and that is the basic reason this blog was started in the first place.

Wonde what people in P
A. and the other states think of the Keystone oil Pipeline which the Senate is trying to pass, (with oil companies leaning on Senators) without environmental impact studies? If they got to vote, would it be Yes, for the jobs, o No, because of oil spills which happen, sooner or later.

Well good night. I am thankful to be Warm, fed, have clean water to drink, a fun book to read and sewing to do!