Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bad word and more about Ann, Still.

Yep, it was the word "disgusting" which Disgusted the Blogger machinery. I took that out of the "labels" and was informed that the post had successfully published.

It's strange, a person could say Much more obscene things in a label without using "banned words" and I'll bet the censor machine would let it pass. Sorry dude or dudess, plastic tasting coffee IS Disgusting!

I think of Ann daily. Today I was sad that although we had a lot in common as people, we wanted such Different things from life.

Ann wanted to get married, have kids, and live in the country. She believed, correctly, I think, that if she had been physically able to have children neither her first nor her second husband would have left. She didn't know she was too disabled, even years ago, to have children and went through nine miscarriages, trying.

I, on the other hand Never wanted to be married. I have a Horror of being trapped in a destructive, committed relationship. I never wanted to have children. I was afraid I might hurt them like I was hurt. I love other people's kids, but haven't developed the patience to Live with kids on a permanent basis. Maybe the only way you Do develop that level of patience is by Having kids. But I was not willing to risk it.

I wanted a deep level of companionship and to feel cared about. Ann gave me this and I tried, not always successfully, to return it to her.

Ann Truly Deeply wanted to own a house. I didn't care if I rented for life, or lived in my mobile home, so long as I had a nice place to live.

Spiritually, our goals were the same, and we learned to talk out and do our best at resolving conflicts. But I sometimes feel So Sad when something nice comes into my life which Ann would have enjoyed.

And I logically know that guilt is a normal part of grieving, especially when someone dies unexpectedly, with no chance to say good-bye or talk out any remaining conflicts, but it's hard to keep telling myself to Let It Go, It's Over and Ann is happy and free now to pursue any path she wishes.

I found a friend to share the soup with, yeah! Maybe I Won't have to eat it for what Feels like Forever.

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