I hear that the Home Make-Over TV show is coming to Joplin to help repair or replace homes lost in last May's tornado. If they do I hope they will take the area's economics into account. What I mean is they could build someone a gorgeous house and I am all for that. But sometimes when they come to the Ozarks or other poorer areas of the country they may build such large homes or homes with so many amenities that the owners can't afford the utility bills, insurance, taxes, or other expenses related to home ownership. These people have already been through Enough! Please make any new homes you may build Affordable for the people living in them to Maintain.
New subject: I was so angry yesterday and last night I didn't write. I just said every angry thing I was thinking out loud to myself. What I realized was that I was Blaming the Earth for Ann's death. Ann died outside, in the snow. The earthquake in Virginia yesterday reminded me of this, and th Joplin tornado which has taken at least 158 lives, and the earthquake in Japan, on and on.
Usually, I don't feel disconnected from the Earth. I recycle fanatically, try to buy "fair trade" and "organic" products when I can afford them, and try to support echologically sustainable agriculture.
I cannot pretend to understand the Earth, She is too large and mighty a Being for me to pretend I know how she feels or what she is "thinking".
But after the ice storm of 2007, which broke beautiful trees down like kindling, and which made my home uninhabitable, along with a lot of other people, I did feel disconnected from the Earth for a while. How could she kill so many children? What had the Trees or the flocks of hungry birds, wheeling through the air with no place to rest ever done to Her?
You can hear all kinds of explanations for such things, God's wrath, human destruction resulting in death for other species, but the truth for me is that I don't know. I believe the climate is changing, ask any gardener or farmer. I think we humans have brought huge destruction to Earth, Water, and Air. So it won't surprise me that We are partly responsible for so much damage.
But when you listen for days to trees you love screaming as they are literally ripped in two by the weight of ice, and when you throw out food for the birds and huge mixed species flocks immediately desend on it, fighting, you can still wonder, I did.
Gradually, I just got over my anger at the Earth. I let it go, knowing I did not understand. Without the Earth, we're all dead. That's a fact. So it slowly began to make sense to be thankful again, for a beautiful day, needed rain, etc.
Until last night I did not realize I was again angry at Earth for taking Ann away. If she had gone outdoors in Other weather, she might still be alive. But she didn't. I still have no answers for killer tornadoes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis. They have always happened, just like lightning strikes, and always will, probably. This doesn't make anyone feel better, I don't know how to do that except by sending my love, some money, and my prayers to survivors of hurricanes and other disasters.
But the Earth did not call Ann outdoors that day, to die in the snow. I'm not sure I will ever feel the same way about snow again. Still, it's just the human tendency to look for something to Blame at work in me. The snow still fixes nitrogen in the ground, and is no more malicious than it ever was. People to the North of us die in the snow Every Winter. This doesn't make Me feel any better Either. But it's true.
Once I let all of my rage out, at the Buddhas, at the Earth, at Life, and went to bed, I woke feeling better this morning. Nothing about the facts has changed, just some of the toxins I didn't know I was carrying around have been released.
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