In these few days I have had to begin slowing down I have realized how truly Frightened I feel, living without Ann.
I have a shirt which needs patching from underneath. I've patched Countless things before. But I'm so afraid that I won't match the patching material up Perfectly, without a sighted person to doublecheck it, that the shirt has been laying around now for a Week. A friend matched the colors for me, no problem. I have sewed since high school, but I'm Afraid to do it.
And there are so many Little things like this. I could be cntributing a book review (as I was before Ann died) to a Native American heritage newsletter. I read the book, reviewing it Doesn't take sight.
I guess now that the Have To things are done, I am just Afraid to jump back into what Was my life, or part of it.
Logically, I believe that with just a bit of help I can continue my plans for a small business. But as my plans were made with Ann included in them, I am Terrified to try.
As I walk around here I sometimes Try to make myself pay attention to where the doorways in this house are. I can do this, but with my hearing difficulties, it means payinn g attention. Often I'm just in too big a hurry and honestly, too scared to do it. When I had no trouble hearing it was a piece of cake. Not now. So I bump the edge of the doorways, then feel frustrated with myself And more scared. I am going to have to practice going through all of them slowly. I know how, but when you feel scared already it's Not an aid to concentration!
I know that the best way for me to fight fear, of anything is to just Force myself Through it. So I am beginning to try and do this.