Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Correction: and Christmas Without Ann

First, I apologize to anyone trying to make sense of last night's rambling (to put it politely) post. Got Journey Girl costumes mixed up, so here is the correction. The Asian doll, named Callie, has fau fur boots and a pink Vest, Not a coat, but the vest has fau fur trim to match the boots. Fau fur is white, I think. The Kelsey Journey Girl with auburn hair and green eyes has a fau leather coat which is brown and it also has fake (tired of using "fau") fur trim. She has shoes which have furry feeling uppers and hard soles.
All of the Journey Girls can Stand Independently, Yeah!

If I didn't feel scared of the future in general, I would be Glad to see the backside of this year! Started writing out Christmas cards today. Ann and I used to write them out together. When one of us got stuck or couldn't think of the right word, the other could help by filling in info. in which the card receiver might be interested. Or one of us would say to the other, "Just say in everyday words what you want to and then we'll figure out how to shorten it for this card." Also, since Ann was a visual artist, she could draw or paint on cards, or we made combined cards, like the year I used combinations of Braille shapes (in dots) to make Christmas tree shapes and Ann colored each of them differently. She was good at picking the right kind of card for each person. Cards to friends and family will be more ordinary and boring from now on.

Don't know what the hell I'll do Christmas day by myself. Sleep maybe, or play with dolls, sew. Get drunk? Nah, tempting but a rotten idea! Our family gets a gag or small gift for the person whose name they drew last Christmas. Living on Disability, we did this and got one another small presents. Not this year. Very sad! But I know I will get through it.

One Buddhist belief is Impermanence, what we consider the "self" keeps changing and so does everything else. The hard part of this is death and pain. The good part is that however horrid things Are, or Feel, they also will change, are not Permanent. I'll be glad when this holiday season is done, and maybe sad too, because Ann will have been gone for almost a year. It doesn't seem possible! But then I was so overwhelmed with just Coping with everything from a Memorial Service at the house to unpacking in the house I moved to that although I knew Ann was gone, had died, I only had time to feel the pain of it in brief spurts of semi-free time, until the last week or two of August. Ann died Feb. 1st. So it will soon be a year and it feels much more recent than that.

I kept getting stuck in the midst of cards today. A friend was writing what I asked, but I'm Glad it wasn't a literal transcription or there would have been a lot of "aaaa" and "um, let me think" in most cards. Cards will also be shorter now, without a colaborator to help me think of things the particular card receiver might care about. After doing 8 or 10 of them, my mind just went depressed and blank and I had to stop for the day.

I could use a Nap! But whatever happens, it is impermanent, whether it feels that way or not.

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