Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Anger in Grief

Besides feeling angry or frustrated that Ann is not here to help me, there was a bunch of stuff I hit yesterday. I don't like taking dog out at night with no one to call to in the house, if I need help. And I must have entered the angry stage of grieving. Ann had every right to leave, whenever her spirit decided it was time. An accident may be an accident or it just may be the way a person's spirit's chooses, of leaving. I am not wise enough to decide which Ann's death was.

Yesterday started with a dentist appointment. Evidently I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep enough to bruise the bone underneath. Glad I put a bit of Ann's life insurance money ahead for a dentist or I'd have had one hell of a bill, but I didn't. Everyone in that dentist's office is extremely kind and patient with me making payments. So I am Not complaining about them in any way. Just feel frustrated with the circumstance, fried my prepayment to find out I was doing something in my sleep. Will have to go back onto the payment system when something Really serious is wrong.

Then a dear friend took me shopping for groceries. We both forgot the adds for luxuries like pumpkin bread, a pound of salmon on sale, and cheap cat litter, which Ain't a luxury. I did not sleep well at all the night before. Sometimes I look forward to something so much I feel very angry when it doesn't work out. I couldn't seem to stop this feeling, so, I determined Not to take it out on my friend. After all, I make mistakes too, I didn't think to ask if we had the add. And my friend has been very kind!

Kept my inner temper tantrum to myself. Then someone I care about a lot came over. Ann and I used to be a "transportation hub." By this I mean that if we got something we did not need we worked, investing time to find out what social agency or individual Did need it. I have decided to try and continue this tradition. Sometimes I just have a feeling that a specific object is going to, or Should go to a specific person. The person who came over needed a thing which I'd been keeping, which had belonged to Ann. I let it go with difficulty, even though I know I will do fine without it. Considered it a good practice for nonattachment. Just as not taking my internal tantrum out on my friend was a good practice in patience. So far as I know, neither of them has ever read this blog. One doesn't know about it, the other is too busy and overwhelmed with struggles and duties.

Then I thought about having a room mate again. And instead of sadness, memories of how Ann and I couldn't or didn't meet one another's needs came bubbling up. Logically, it is not the job of one person to meet the emotional needs of another. In real life, when people live together, this is hopefully Some of what they try to do. I began remembering all the things we each had to adjust to about the other. I am not willing to move, told my new landlord when I rented in June this year that I meant to stay a long time, and I do. A room mate with pets, who does art, who eats differently than I do, we would need a bigger house. I use one bedroom to sleep in and one to work in, sewing, beading, storing fabric and dolls, etc. That leaves one room for the bird' cage, , a file cabinet for papers and a love seat which folds out into a bed for company. This house either needs one occupant with a lot of stuff who works from home, or a cohesive family unit with two parents, where at least one works Away from home, and a school age kid. I became angrier, realizing I need time to heal, don't want another room mate.

You can be best friends with someone, but until you Live with them there is still a Lot you cannot know! Do they snore loudly? Do they pick up their books and clothing? Do they leave food sitting out to spoil? Do they do their share of the work? Do they eat food You bought, without asking permission?

What if one of you has more income than the other and so pays more, a larger share, of the bills? Does That person have a right to have any say over how much electricity is used? Do you have any access to one another's credit cards? What if one person has more credit than another? Does someone like to watch TV loud at night or play music loud in the morning to help them get going? What if you don't like or trust one another's friends? Do either of you have stinky feet? Does one person jump into an adventure out of curiosity while the other holds back so much they have to be forced to change by circumstances?,. And if one of you finds a boyfriend or girlfriend, can they bring that person home to spend the night? And can you each let the other person be who they are and Not expect them or push them to change into who you need or Want them to be?

Ann and I had to struggle with some, but not all of these questions. We both ate similarly, had our own rooms, agreed not to bring guests home for the night, and neither of us stole from the other. We were both night owls, who worked hard to cope with a day time schedule. We generally liked the same kinds of music. We helped one another as best we could and became better at it with time. But it was a real struggle for many years, as we were very different kinds of people from differing social classes and backgrounds. I don't know of any two people who worked harder than we did to make a life together. And I know of very few people who work as hard, married or not.

I do not want to do such Hard Work again, in addition to learning to cope with my own life separate from Ann and trying to find out who I might be as an unpartnered individual.

Today I woke thinking, "I don't want another day!" but Wendi, my friend and healthcare aide is so patient and easy to work with that she made the day painless and comfortable, I am Thankful to her!

Writing Christmas cards (Wendi has beautiful handwriting, I have to type) was very hard. But we're almost done, yeah! I don't begrudge Anyone a Christmas card, but it was hard to think of what to say without the help of someone who also knew the people in my family. I feel tired nearly all of the time. So much to think and feel!

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