You Called Me a What?

I don't choose friends on the basis of their sexual preference. So I have straight friends, "don't touch me" friends, lesbian nd gay friends. But for some reason I have had two gay men friends, at different times, call me a name I resent. The name is "fag hag."

When I asked a gay friend what the deal was, (he doesn't call people names) he said he thought the word "fag" was about self-hatred. And if one hates one's self, it is easier to label others, too.

I remember one friend who has chosen not to continue as a friend, saying something like, "oh, you fag hags are all alike. You hang around then desert us as soon as you get a boyfriend." What actually happened is that He started dating boyfriends and disappeared.

Neither he nor any gay man will be called a "fag" by me. This is conservative rural country where such a word is not a proud reclaiming of identity. And I am Not a Hag. Like everybody else, I have faults and good qualities. But my faults don't make me a Hag.

What brought up this topic was that my friend who Doesn't call names was recounting a conversation where a disabled woman called herself a "fag hag." I stopped the conversation, saying I didn't like this term and asked what he thought it really meant. His first reply was something like, "Well, she called herself that, she's had several gay friends." My response is So What? Over the years I have had several gay friends. The two who called me "fag hag" both disappeared. One of them stayed rent free in my mobile home while putting himself through nursing school. I was helping Ann in her home, to try and cope with disability, school, and work. So I was happy to give him a roof when he lost his factory job and decided to work his way through school. He too found a boyfriend, at which point I became expendable, and vanished.

I understand that when people are working on a romantic relationship it takes up most of their time and all of their interest. But the next time someone uses that name for me I will stop the conversation then and there to discuss it. And I would guess That person will disappear. Better sooner than later, I think, less painful.