June 28th, 2011
Went back to the house today for the last time. Had many mixed feelings.
When I first walk in I always think "Oh, what a lovely house" or "Oh, I love this house!" But what I love is not just the arrangement of the house. What I'm thinking of is the day my partner and I first saw it together and realized that together, we could afford it.
Or I'm thinking of the den, the "chill out room" where we sat eating supper and listening to audio books together or talked over some interesting event, or where my partner helped me with a sewing pattern.
Somehow when I'm there I always manage to forget all of the annoying things which were gradually getting worse and Not getting Fixed. This must be the beginning of "rose colored glasses time".
When children are involved, this "the past is Only seen with rose colored glasses" thing can cause a great deal of pain. The kids remember a Lot about growing up and the things which form all of us are Not all "rose colored"!
But now I Do begin to understand the decision not to hold onto the frustrations with one another which keep bubbling up in many if not most relationships, the fights, the hurtful words. It is a decision to forgive, Not a decision to Lie. Lying is when "rose colored glasses" become Toxic to the children of parents who seem to have reconstructed the world to fit what they Wanted it to be.
As a part of normal grieving after a sudden death, with no time to talk or say good-bye, I have felt guilt about arguments past. I have wished we could talk now, since I know my partner sees things from a Much bigger perspective. And I have wished she would say she understands me now and forgives my faults.
But since I don't know that Anything Like this will happen, I have to choose to let it all go, except the love and beneficial things we did bring to one another's lives. This is Not to Lie, Not to pretend that life together wqas easy or that we weren't as opposite as day and night in many ways. In some ways I'm not sure we Ever completely understood one another. But we grew a relationship with a lot of good in it!
When I have to make a decision about whether to say or do a thing I try to ask myself, "Who will it help if I . . .". And in the case of remembering old arguments, I believe the answer is "No one!"
This doesn't mean I choose to forget the basic differences between us. If I remember the Basic differences in our natures then I may understand and empathize With another person who is Similar to my former partner better. But in terms of holding onto the pain, I don't see that it will help me or anyone else.
Back to my visit to our former rent home today. I was there to meet the DAV and donate what I could. It hurt to see items they didn't want and just set them out on the street with a "FREE" sign on them. I hoped my partner Wasn't watching! I felt guilty, did I Try my Best to find Homes for these things? I could have begged the landlord for a bit more time, he might have granted it. I could have paid another partial month's rent, while trying to adopt out her mobility scooter which needed new batteries and for which the key was lost, and a few other such things. But I don't think the result would have been much better and I Know I would have become Much More Exhausted than I already Am!
People immediately began descending on the free things, literally, As they were being carried out! In the Ozarks many people repair things to sell in addition to working one or two jobs. I can only pray that the people who end up receiving these things love and are helped by them.
I Needed to be Done with that house. Sitting on the floor, waiting for people to come and take the last bits away, I fell into a dull, glum, depressed place. The pawpaw trees are being eaten alive by Japanese beetles which have just reached this part of the country in massive numbers in the past few years. We planted those trees together along with a peach and pear tree. The cooking and medicine herbs have been overrun by weeds, I've had no time to keep up the yard. I hope the fruit trees survive. Who will care for them now?
I remember thinking as a couple of friends and I were loading up a car and pickup and people were going through the "FREE" stuff, "So This is how a family dies, when there are no kids."
I was glad to leave. There had already been More than Enough time to walk through all of the rooms and say good-bye.
It's SO Hot! I ache in lots of places and want to Sleep for a Week! These 12 to 16 hour days are Hard, even though I am Blessed with air conditioning for a lot of this time.
But tomorrow is a vet appointment for the dog, soon I Must work with my Braille student, and tonight we had Sangha, our weekly Buddhist meeting.
I have never been able to meditate as it is described in Buddhist literature, although many of the techniques I have found there are very beneficial to me. So I just sat quietly breathing in time to prayer thoughts for happiness and health and self-love to come to the people I know need it, according to their own willingness to receive it. The Buddhas Won't run Over someone's will. Then I expanded these wishes out to all the places in the world I could think of where there is armed struggle or war. (A Lot, unfortunately). Then to all beings.
Since I am unable to sit quietly and just Note my passing thoughts, or my breathing, I need more "active meditations" like the one I did today. It was a good and peaceful time.
Now I need to type out a print list of errands to run tomorrow and a list for the aide who helps me work around my disabilities.