Real life together is Not usually glamerous, always fun, or warm and fuzzy. Ann and I had a basic difference about something which I did not know how to deal with, at the time of her death. We weren't fighting or screaming, it was a situation where each of us wanted our life to go in a different direction from the other, (or that's the way it felt) and we didn't know what to do, yet. We had hit these Seeming walls before and always managed to talk our way through, negotiating a path through or beyond them. I never had the chance to know if this one could be worked through or not because Ann died.
I have felt terrible guilt for being at odds with Ann at the time of her death. What do you do when you and the person you love the most are in the midst of a difficult situation emotionally and they die?
I was taught to feel guilty from a very young age. I was the cause of all that went wrong in my parent's lives, when I was around. When I wasn't it was another cibling's fault. So I have felt very bad for months now.
It seemed to hit a really bad point yesterday, I was exhausted physically and mentally. I called a friend who reminded me that each person has the right to be him or her self, that when someone says something which feels hurtful they are usually talking about their Own feelings or expectations of you, what is in Their head, Not all of who you are. That sounds very simple, but it doesn't feel simple.
He recommended I take the day off, not unpacking any more and just rest or "veg". I ordered in junk food for two meals, and watched episodes of my favorite Star Trek spin off, Deep Space Nine. I slept well and began to feel better.
I have written before about how this feels so similar to earlier months this year. For the last two days I've been swearing a lot and short tempered, like in late February and early March. Is it because there was too much to do to get it out of my system? Part of it is just physical and mental Tiredness. It isn't 10:00 P.M. yet and I'm Toast!
But today went smoothly and for that I am Grateful!
In thinking about others, there must be a Lot of people who loose loved ones at times of stress, disagreement, argument, or disappointment. Guilt Doesn't help! How we talk to ourselves inside our own heads is very important. I have begun telling myself I did nothing wrong, in that Ann and I were Both frustrated with one another in One area of our lives, when she died. This is called Being Human. It is sad, but Not Wrong.