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Once Ann and I were dancing around outside a huge medical complex. It was a time like this, when I might have had cancer, but DIDN'T! A man walked out and asked us just what we thought we were doing. I told him we were celebrating the fact that I did Not have Cancer, that it had Not come back! He decided that was a good reason to celebrate. I agree and though I must be thankful alone this time, I AM THANKFUL! Not cancer, probably troubles left over from chemotherapy and surgeries from Past ovarian cancer with one recurrence. That I can live with!

I mentally clothed the Buddhas in living cloaks of flowers in the colors of their families, long explanation, set colored sweet smelling candles in front of them, and sat them on thrones of semi-precious stone, lapis with gold flecks, turquoise and gold and green, etc. It is not that anything like this is required. But we are taught that "mental offerings" can be made when the physical ones are too expensive or not available. I couldn't dance with Ann, so I focused on visualizing my thankfulness in a differing way.

Part of me, to be honest, wouldn'[t have cared much if it was my time to die, I get that depressed at times, though I plan to do Nothing to harm myself. And a very slowly growing part of me is becoming Curious, to see what else positive I can learn, both from this experience, and from the future. I was Terrified of the thought of going through surgeries and chemo. alone, not sure I had the courage for it, by myself. But I don't have to Make that choice, I get to work on conquering more of my fear and trying to heal! What a gift!

So, I always torment my oncologist on Haloween and if I can put up with the problems I'm having until then, I think I'll be a lady bug this year.

You see, he brought it on himself. The first time I went to his office to hear my pathology report I already knew I was in for chemo. So I had all of my hair shaved off and a shiny silver prismatic tensil pageboy cut wig on, bought for $20 at a wig shop. So the Doc' walks in, says "Hey man, where'd you get the doo?" and bursts out laughing. That's why I did it, I knew I and everybody who helped me (oncology nurses, etc.) would All need a laugh.

But the Doc' was so embarrassed, (last time he'd seen me he had the grim job of telling me the side effects of his recommendation for the best chemo., etc. I was in a hospital bed two days after finding out I had cancer.) The Doc' is SO embarrassed he backs out of the room, closes the door, and Ann and I can hear him snorting and trying to stop laughing on the other side of it. When under control again, he comes back in, soberly says "Hello, my name is Dr. . . . and you may remember me from the hospital. I'm your oncologist and . . ." He soberly extends his hand and shakes mine, then continues to speak and answer all of my questions as though nothing at all had happened.

Later, when I was less scared, Ann and I cracked up, deciding the poor dude had a horrible job and needed a good laugh.

So I made him unusual Valentines, Ann and I Always dressed to Clash and I wore bizarre head gear for chemo. sessions, and I brought the Doc' chocolate for Easter and did something truly odd for Haloween. And my six month checkup this year is ON Haloween!

I've been an alien, a sicko Dr. with a name almost like his, Lady Insecta, a witch in a full face mask, a punk rocker, and parrot. I think That was the best, the end of an orange traffic cone for a beak, peach wing feathers cut by Ann from a blanket which had come apart during a move, yellow shirt, green pants, a red scarf holding on a Huge peach tail, also cut into a fan of feathers by Ann, and a pair of yellow dishwashing gloves, blown up and taped onto my shoes. With my feet in the stirups (only an Idiot would like that exam) the Doc' couldn't stop giggling at the parrot feet. And of course, my blanket cut into feathers tail had to be carfullyslung across the exam table.

I just don't have a lot of energy for this year's Haloween, but I'm thinking about a lady bug. One year I took some wash out color spray and made my head a pumpkin.

So we'll see.

I have a doll with green skin and black hair who is the Wicked Witch of the West. I think she is Wonderful!